Disclaimer

Okay, listen. Before you take this article seriously, I’d just like to point out the fact that this whole thing is a joke and I’m just writing this so I can pass my class and get into high school. If you’re offended by my opinions on butter, that’s your problem. Anyway, let’s move on.

5. Vegan Butter

Look. I have absolutely nothing against vegans and their food. They’re making an effort to help the world. It’s just not fun when they shove their leafy-green propaganda down our omnivorous throats. That’s a topic for another time, though.

As I was saying, vegan butter is at the bottom of this list. It tastes pretty okay, but it’s just so greasy and not real. Technically, it shouldn’t be on this list and wouldn’t have been if there weren’t so many hippie plant eaters in the world.

Final Verdict: I Can Believe it’s Not Butter!

4. Almond Butter

Almonds are great until you grind them up into a liquidy monstrosity. There are some people who love almond butter and that’s okay; for me, however, it tastes like someone ground up chalk and mixed it with slightly wet dirt. Feeding someone almond butter is probably a CIA torture method.

Final Verdict: Not Spy-Approved

3. Cashew Butter

I like cashews, either raw or roasted. They have a great texture and a mildly weird aftertaste, but it’s not really noticeable. At least until you tack on the word “butter” at the end.

Cashew butter doesn’t even taste like cashews! It tastes purely like the breath from a dog with gingivitis and the texture is so off that it doesn’t even feel like nut butter. There are a few brands out there that make it taste and feel okay, but that’s mostly due to mixing in a bunch of wacky stuff.

Final Verdict: Witch’s Brew???

2. Butter

Ha! Did you really think I was going to put butter at the top? I hope you didn’t forget that I’m talking about all types of butter like shea butter and nut butter (please don’t eat shea butter, it’s not for ingestion). But in all its simplicity, good old-fashioned butter is a vital ingredient in everything from baking extravagant desserts to frying eggs. It tastes pretty good on bread, too. It’s been around for a long time, and won’t be going anywhere soon.

Final Verdict: Thank You, Cows

1. Peanut Butter

We all saw this coming, but we know it’s true. Childhood nostalgia points to PB&J sandwiches we’d bring to school and tear the crusts off of. When we got older, we’d scoop it out of the jar and eat it plain because it tastes so good on its own (sorry, plain butter).

Notice how I’ve switched from “I” to “we”? That’s because peanut butter connects us all. It flows through our DNA. We are all one with the peanut butter. Just let it consume you and you’ll find inner peace.

Final Verdict: Godsent.