Fake Candidates

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Fake Candidates

Baker Tuthill, Reporter

As the presidential campaign nears, I want to take a look at some strange, off-kilter candidates in history (or even in modern times). Believe me, I was surprised when I first saw Vermin Supreme on the candidacy list. But as I soon discovered, he was one of several fake candidates.

FAKE PARTIES:

 

ALL-NIGHT PARTY:

This fake party originated in the Marvel Universe: I kid you not. However, someone really claimed that they created this party in real life, with Marvel character Howard the Duck as a presidential candidate. I would elect him: his ability to create alternate dimensions would be a real selling point in his campaign. Honestly, there’s not much to say about this one.

INANIMATE OBJECT PARTY:

This mock party selects candidates exclusively from, well, non-living objects. They are based at the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. Their main candidate, Arthur Galpin, is an inflatable whale. Mr. Galpin often runs for Grand Marshal at the school. Alby the Albino Squirrel more often runs for President of the Union as well. Legend has it that Arthur Galpin has actually won several school elections, but that the school election committee has refused to let him win. Because the candidates are all write-ins, they end up claiming only one person voted for an Inanimate Object Party Candidate. perhaps they spelled Mr. Galpin’s name wrong. The party’s symbol? A fork.d

SURPRISE PARTY:

The Surprise Party has a short history and few candidates: one in fact: to boast. However, despite it’s seeming lack of experience, the Surprise Party really did make a run for president. The candidate? Jokester Gracie Allen ran for president on a joke: she announced her “candidacy” during a comedy radio show as a publicity stunt. However, she received great feedback, and ended up actually running and campaigned across the US. She ended up bowing out of the final vote, not wanting to disrupt the race. However, she still received thousands of write-in votes to her name.

FAKE CANDIDATES:

 

In the last election, 2016, a very strange candidate ran: a candidate with a very inappropriate name that I will not be repeating here. This being a family friendly site, and all. His platform:

  1. Congress’s salaries should cut in half until budget issues are resolved. In theory, this would improve how fast Senators worked.
  2. Nuts’ supported renewable energy and cutting funding to oil companies.
  3. All adult illegal immigrants should be deported, with the exception of minors.
  4. Overseas territories should get voting rights.

Clearly, the kid had some real positions. The candidate actually picked up as much as 9% of the vote in some places. In Texas, he picked up 3%.When he was revealed as a 15-year old, D**z N**s in reality, Brady Olson, told the press he ran partly because he disliked both Hillary and Trump (he wanted Bernie Sanders) and partly as a joke. So ended the unruly candidacy of some random 15 year old who liked an unfunny Vine meme.

 

SIR COOKIE ZEALOT:

Sir Cookie Zealot ran  for president on a platform of mystery. Little is known about him, except that he filled out a presidential form. His committee? The Cookie Cult of America. He lives, supposedly, on Cookie Road in Winchester, CA.

YETTA BRONSTEIN:

Yetta Bronstien was one of the most real candidates on this list: but still fake. In the 1960’s, husband and wife Alan and Jeanne Abel (professional pranksters) came up with a election hoax: they would create a candidate. According to NPR, Jeanne later recalled: “Yetta Bronstein lives in the Bronx. She has a boy named Marvin. He plays the drums, badly. And one day she decides to run for president!”

The two claimed Yetta was an old Jewish mother. Of course, Mrs. Abel was 20 at the time, blond, and defiantly not a Jewish mother, so she never appeared on TV. However, she did voice Yetta in radio broadcasts. Then came the issue of appearances. What did Yetta Bronstien look like? For that, Alan Abel gave them a picture of his mother.

Yetta Bronstien got a lot of publicity, marching even outside the Democratic Convention, bearing signs that said “Things will get Betta” and “Vote for Yetta.” In the end, Yetta lost: without a single electoral vote. The pair later published a book about Yetta: The President I Almost Was.

VERMIN SUPREME:

Here he is: Vermin Supreme. Of all the candidates her, Mr. Supreme has my vote. Supreme has run in all kinds of elections, mostly for president, for years. He runs on a brilliant campaign of Zombie Awareness, free ponies for every American and tooth brushing laws. Mr. Supreme wears a boot on his head and carry’s around a large toothbrush to show his devotion to his toothbrush laws. His speeches are riddled with puns about teeth.

Switching over to a Pony-based Economy is top on Mr. Supreme’s agenda. He believes that we can lessen our dependence on foreign oil and use them as a transport system.

Vermin Supreme has campaigned in the primaries, drumming up about 200 votes last year. However, he never yet has received even one electoral vote. I think it’s about time that changed! I’m going to put these quotes here so you will vote for (or just laugh at) him.

Quotes:

“I am a tyrant you should trust, and you should let me run your life because I do know what is best for you.”

“Vote early, vote often. Remember, a vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away.”

“This is my mother, and five years ago this April, I gave her a Kidney. My challenge to you people, everybody on the stage and everybody in the audience, give up a kidney.”

“My Free Pony platform is of course a jobs creation program, it will create lots and lots of jobs. Once we switch over to a Pony-based Economy we will also lower our dependence on foreign oil. We will also be able to turn all that pony poop into methane gas and wonderful compost, and well be able to re-up our soil that is being depleted by aero-chemicals etcetera etcetera etcetera, and of course the important thing to realize is that it is a Federal Pony Identification Program, where you will need you pony with you at all times. ”

30 Second Closing Statement at a Primary:

(Pulls out disc that starts playing “Chicken Dance” song)

“(Singing along) My name is Vermin, My name is Vermin, My name is Vermin, Vermin Supreme, My name is Vermin, My name is Vermin, My name is Vermin Vermin Vermin Supreme, and you can vote, and you can vote, and you can vote, for me for president, If you want to, and, um, and my name is Vermin and um, Ok thanks so much for coming out today.”

CONCLUSION

Over the history of our country, there have been dozens of fake candidates. Although most are outlandish and easy to call fake, just be careful not to get fooled. As Mr. Supreme says, “A vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away.” So be careful with your first vote for president… because it’s not that far off.